• Finding yourself in a philosophical quandary?
• Can't find your car keys?
• Don't know if he or she is right for you?
• Need help expanding your vinyl collection?

Alternative Arts of Long Island
Attn: Ted
Long Island, NY

Neither Alternative Arts of Long Island, LLC nor Ted make a warranty expressed or implied, of fitness for any particular purpose, any advice given by Ted. Heed at your own risk.

Warning: Some questions and/or answers may contain language and/or subject matter offensive to some. Reader/listener discretion is advised.

Play All: M3U PLS

What is the right religion?

What is the right religion? Uh, fuckin' something that Orville, Wilbur fuckin' wish they knew something about.

How do you deal with Swedish rage?

How do you deal with it? Kiss it and rub ointment on it.

I sent my truck to Dr. Nick's Transmission in Rocky Point to have the transmission rebuilt twice. After the first time I drove 500 miles and the transmission blew up. The second time the transmission lasted 1200 miles. What is the best means of revenge?

Revenge should be: you send your own fuckin' ass through the sewer pipe and run yourself over, you asshole! You fuckin' got some mileage out of it... and suck on that!

Lately I found that I was able to perform oral sex on myself, but it makes my back sore. Should I continue this or stop all together?

Stop up and down on your scrotum till there's nothing left, you fuckin' jar-headed fag!

Why is it that we call years, like 1957, in the 20^th century, instead of the 19^th?

Yeah, because if you didn't drop out you might know something instead of being a fuckin' couch-veg' and fuckin' a toasted one at that. Eat ass and choke on it hard!

Who are "they"?

They're the ones who touch their prick in the middle of the night; the fuckin' creepy-crawly creatures that he doesn't clean off; the things that scuttle-bug around in the midst of ... the God damn shit on the floor, and ... you don't do gymnastics in your fuckin' Spider Man shirt.

If I put my dick in your ear, can you hear me coming?

Um, that would be: why don't you shove your own ass into your fuckin' ... fuckin' right asshole, and fuckin' spit it out your douche! You fuckin' scam of a fuck!

I am going down to Miami this weekend, what do you think the chances are that I will get my ass bitten by a shark while I am down there?

Your chances are pretty good, especially if you dangle your dim-lit shit head in the water.

What are your views on extra terrestrial life? Are "they" out there?

Yeah, they're out there. They better not land in my backyard, or they'll fuckin' get a face full.

How deep is the ocean?

Um, I'm not an oceanographic fuckin' ass-tard who fuckin' spends all his time with his head up his stump. Fuckin' ask someone who gives two shits, like some fag from France.

hello there Ted....IF thats your real name....Tell me Ted ...how does a blind person know when they're done wiping?

Yeah, that would mean that it smells like it's done... you know, blind guys: they know shit.

Ted,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

How the fuck do I know? I don't eat that shit.

Ted,

1) I heard a rumor that you are actullay Canadian, is that true?

Um... yeah. That's inside information that only my government and your government need not know at all.

2) My hovercraft is full of eels. How do I get them out?

Your wife makes shitty blamanges.

3) Am I gay if I like butt sex with short haired girls?

Oh... that's fuckin', you know: all signs point to San Francisco.

4) Am I gay if I like butt sex with long haired guys...I mean from behind, how can you tell?

Yeah. My dog has fleas, your dog has a fuckin' seared scrotum.

5) When will New York have a football team other then the Bills?

Um... open up the paper, and fuckin' shove your ass inside your mouth.

6) Is that Eric guy from AltArtLI gay? He sure does look gay. He seems real creative, he must be a bitch.

Are you from Orc, and how the fuck did you find us?

Sincerely Yours,

Medik Kurtz